Six months ago I made the sexiest decision of my life. I gave up porn.
Things had got bad. Every morning when I woke up I’d reach for my phone, open Google and type in the letter ‘p’.
PornHub would then drop down from my saved history.
My days were bookended with spaces of time saved for scrolling through sordid videos, skipping plotlines and switching categories, before settling on one to – ahem – finish to.
I thought it was normal.
I first realised that I might have a problem when I was in the pub with two friends one evening, and the topic of porn came up.
My male friend said he didn’t watch it and my female friend said she did, but only from time to time. I was surprised.
‘How often do you watch it?’ they asked. ‘Two to three times a day,’ I said. They stared at me in disbelief.
I was masturbating more than I was showering.
I considered cleaning up my act after that conversation, but nothing compelled me to go through with it.
After all, I was single and it’s not like it was hurting anyone was it?
Then I found myself in a new relationship.
She hated porn, and who could blame her.
Most porn videos are based around acts of depravity, sin and moral corruption. Their titles contain the language of power, control and violence. They usually read something like ‘Innocent teen brutally slammed’, ‘Cute blonde destroyed,’ or ‘Tiny brunette begs me to punish her’.
It’s a far cry from the consensual, close and often clumsy act that most of us know and enjoy.
There’s no way that putting the kind of content porn contains into your brain every day is good for you.
Put it this way, if real sex lives were like porn everyone would be sleeping with their sister, brutally punishing women for God knows what, and using sex to exact revenge.
Not to mention black cab drivers would be a lot happier (that’s a Fake Taxi reference for all the porn fans out there.)
But porn isn’t like real life. We know that it’s not, but it can be easy to forget when we expose ourselves to it daily.
Even if you wanted to have sex like a porn star, you couldn’t.
You wouldn’t be able to afford the lighting for starters, let alone maintain the perfect angles to view each other from.
It does no good for people’s body image and how they think they should look in bed.
In July this year, new porn legislation will block access to adult sites unless the person can prove they are aged 18 or over.
As someone with a 15-year-old brother, I’m happy about this legislation.
If I were a young person today, watching porn would tell me that sex was one long, loud, semi-violent act of athleticism done to women.
That’s not what I want my brother to think.
Porn sites are a place where people already versed in sex – the sweaty, smelly, sticky kind – can go to be titillated by larger-than-life acts of fantasy every once in a while.
It’s not a place for young people to develop their notions of consent and sexual practice.
‘Adults only’ should mean just that.
My girlfriend’s hatred of porn prompted me to make the change I’d been denying myself.
I downloaded an adult site blocker for my phone – the kind parents use to control what their kids can access – and my girlfriend created a password I’d never guess.
It was my first step to X-rated recovery.
Two weeks in, I failed. I’d forgotten to put a block on my laptop. Damn.
But I didn’t admit defeat.
If you’re trying to lose weight and in a moment of weakness you scoff a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, you don’t quit do you?
You count it as a blip and continue with the plan. So on I went with my debauchery diet.
And slowly, the cravings stopped.
The changes have been subtle but important. I feel more productive, and my sex drive is up.
There’s more comfort and intimacy in my relationship now.
The sex between myself and my girlfriend is real and unrivalled, it exists between the two of us and not a third party search engine.
Do I miss it? No, though I can still see its allure. I just know I’m better without it.
Anyone who meditates regularly will tell you that as you become more present, you realise how out-of-the-moment you used to be.
I believe the same is true of quitting porn. You think it’s barely affecting you until you give it up.
My behaviour may not have been normal, but it may well be common.
Make yourself accountable to someone and have a go. You’ll be surprised at how good you feel.
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