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- Find healthier ways to work through the feelings of sadness and loneliness that drive you into your ex's arms, says therapist Chloe Carmichael.
- Set up daily phone calls with a friend to talk through how you're feeling. You can also be upfront with your ex about your intentions.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
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My fiancé and I broke up almost a year ago. We were dating for four years, then engaged for one year.
He emotionally manipulated me, but he was the sweetest when he wanted to be. After we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me twice while we were engaged.
Now, we go for a month without talking to each other, but then, one of us slips up and we end up talking and sometimes hooking up. I get the worst feeling after.
It brings me so much sadness and hurt after I see him. I have so much anger towards him and I know the breakup was the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my heart hasn't accepted it.
I still love him, I miss him, and I love to hook up with him, even for that momentary happiness. I don't know how to move on. What do I do?
– Jordan
Dear Jordan,
When your heart is healing from a breakup, it can feel impossible to control your emotions and impulses.
Though it really is impossible to control how you feel after such a life-altering event, you can channel feelings of loneliness, sadness, and grief in healthier ways than sleeping with your ex.
Chloe Carmichael, a New York City-based therapist who specializes in helping patients move on from breakups, says it's important to create a support system for tough moments, and to be honest with your ex about your intentions, as you move forward.
When someone continues to have intimate conversations and hookups with their ex, it could subconsciously mean they're in denial about the breakup, Carmichael told me.
"Somehow in that moment, [she's] either believing that it's going to be different this time or kind of erasing major parts of the history with him, including his abandonment of her," Carmichael said.
Make lists, and talk to friends, to process uncomfortable emotions
Instead of falling back on your ex when uncomfortable emotions pop up, you need to create other outlets for those feelings.
Carmichael suggested enlisting a trusted friend or family members as your "breakup buddy," and scheduling a daily call with them at a time you typically feel vulnerable to calling your ex.
You don't have to use these calls to discuss your ex if you don't want to — you can talk about anything you want, Carmichael said. The point of daily check-ins is to make sure you're getting the support you need from a healthy relationship and boosting your self-esteem.
"Every time that she does that behavior of falling back with him, it's injuring her self-esteem and digging deeper into that hole. But the good news is that it can work in reverse," Carmichael said. "Every time that she learns to override an urge to call him and to be with him, that will also increase her self-esteem."
She said it's important to remind yourself that you aren't yearning for your ex, but more for a feeling of closeness and familiarity.
If you have trouble doing that, make a list, video, or voice memo of the 10 most disappointing parts of your relationship with him, according to Carmichael. When you feel the urge to reach out to him, take a moment to reflect on your list, which you wrote in a moment of strength.
Call your ex to get it out in the open
Be honest with your ex about this feeling you're experiencing, and your intentions to move forward.
Carmichael suggested calling him and saying, "I admit I've been a little addicted to hooking up with you, and I've engaged in this even though I don't believe it's good for me. I'm asking you to not engage with me anymore. If you care about me, then I want you to actually respect that."
Like you've done in the past, block his number from your phone and remove him from your social media pages to make the process easier, Carmichael said, adding that if your ex doesn't respect your boundaries, it's an even greater sign you made the right choice to end the relationship.
As you go through this difficult and emotional time, remember that it's normal to grieve your relationship, no matter how bad it was for you. When you feel sad, guilty, lonely, or fragile, remember those pangs are signs that you're healing.
"Learn to recognize that it's progress because this is essentially the death of a relationship," Carmichael said.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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